


House Hunters Las Vegas

by TDKeh16



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Cornt, House Hunting, M/M, Mon Petit Chou universe compliant, They are disastrous excuses for adults lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-09-08 10:12:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8840584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TDKeh16/pseuds/TDKeh16
Summary: Kent and Corey are buying a house, or at least they're trying to buy a house. They soon discover that the homes for sale in Vegas are not much to their ridiculous standards.





	

**Author's Note:**

> From the prompt: "I don't even know what's going on."

"Um..." Kent's eyes went wide and he looked to Corey as though he would be able to explain the sight before them.

"Hey, don't look at me. I don't even know what's going on right now," Corey said and took a small step backwards to distance himself from the unsettling scene.

The realtor laughed nervously. "Now the current owner is a little... e _ccentric,_  but--"

"No, you can say it. We won't tell. The owner bat-fucking crazy, right?" 

"More like _bear_ -fucking crazy..." 

"Let's stick with 'eccentric,' alright gentlemen?"

"She passed eccentric like two dozen teddy bears ago..." Corey whispered. "Why the fuck are those toys having a tea party in the _den?_ Like, a kid's room, I get. But eight chairs purposely placed around a little table like that? Why? So the bears can all reach the tea?"

The realtor cleared her throat. "Try to ignore the _decor_ , and focus on the _space._  This room has a _great_ space! Look how easily it accommodates these large bookcases. You could easily hold 500 books here." She patted one of the shelves proudly.

"Is that _including_  the bears on the shelves, or...?"

"The teddy bears will _not_ be included in the sale of the home," she assured them and lead the way out of the room. Let's check out the dining room and kitchen next. Shall we?" Kent followed behind her while Corey lagged behind with the teddy bears.

"Holy hell, why is it red and turquoise?" Corey laughed as he entered the dining room. He turned around and only then saw the wallpaper on the wall behind him. "With black and _gold_  wallpaper? Seriously?"

"Try not to focus too much on the furniture and decor. Look at the _space._  A house this size should sell for a lot more, but the price has been brought down because--"

"It's a funhouse nightmare?" Kent finished for her and the two men snickered. 

"Maybe we should move onto the next property on our list," the realtor suggested. 

"No way. I want to see what other nightmare rooms this house contains." Kent glanced down at his phone, it was a text from Corey. He checked it to find a picture of three of the teddy bears stacked together captioned "TBDP?" Kent asked the now-snickering man. 

"You know, TB stands for teddy bear... and _DP_..."

"You're an idiot. It's not the teddy bears' fault they live in a house of nightmares."

"Look at their happy faces, they're all having a good time."

The realtor concealed her sigh. It was going to be a long day. She powered through the 'nightmare' house and they moved onto the next property in their ideal price range. "Now this home was built about twelve years ago and is still in _excellent_ condition. If you follow me, you will find a _spacious_ kitchen, perfect for entertain--"

"Nooope!" Corey declared immediately upon entering the kitchen. "Oak kitchen. No way."

Kent laughed. "Are you...? Oh. Really? You're not kidding?"

"Nope. Let's go. Next place."

They moved onto the next home. "Now this home is a little older, but it has been wonderfully maintained and completely renovated just five years ago. I think you're going to like it..."

Kent burst into laughter as soon as they stepped inside. "Double staircases? Are you kidding me? _Why?"_

"We could race each other!" Corey suggested.

"On your fucking ankle? That's no challenge."

The realtor cleared her throat. Let's start with the master bedroom, it's just upstairs."

"But which staircase do we take?"

"They both reach the same place at the top. It doesn't matter."

Kent continued to snicker. "At least she agrees with me that it's a total fucking waste of a design idea."

"I never said that," she insisted.

"That's such a tacky giant chandelier, too..." Corey eyed it as he purposely went up the second staircase. "It probably costs more than my parents paid for their entire house!"

"Probably!" Kent called back to him from the other staircase. "I have to yell because we're walking so far apart for no goddamn reason! If only single staircases existed in the universe, we wouldn't be ascending on separate sides of the room!" He was already laughing when they reached master bedroom, but the Grecian columns around the tub in the ensuite bathroom nearly caused him to stop breathing. "No way!"

"Isn't it lovely?"

"It's so tacky! The house only costs 1.5 million dollars. Who are they trying to impress here? They can't be  _that_ rich -- not by Vegas standards. This house is too damn decadent."

"Yeah. It's a little gross. Let's go."

"But--" The realtor gave in with a sigh. She was starting to see why they paid her up front for the day.

The next house did not go much better. "Why is everything made of rocks?"

"It's not  _made_ of rocks, but the current owner wanted to incorporate natural elements of the surrounding landscape into the home so that even when they were inside, it felt a little like outside."

"Well, it feels _a lot_ like the Flintstones."

"Yabba-dabba-do."

"If I wanted to live outside, I'd go camping."

"Holy shit, you like camping?" Corey laughed.

"Yeah, of course I like camping. I love camping."

"What the fuck? Why have we never gone camping?"

Kent shrugged. "I dunno. Want to go camping? We can probably sqeeze in a weekend between playoffs and your surgery. Yellowstone?"

"We're supposed to take a trip with Bittle and Zimmermann, right? Think they'd be up for camping?"

"Oh god, camping with any Zimmermann is a horrible idea. Jack just fucking wanders off if you don't keep an eye on him. He's like a puppy."

Corey laughed. "Really?"

"He literally chased a squirrel one time. Like, _sure_ , he got some cute pictures of it, but it took 45 minutes to find him. And I can't even imagine what Bittle would be like camping. A high-maintenance guy like him?"

"He works a summer camp every year, pretty sure you're the most high-maintenance one of all of us, sunshine."

"Fuck off."

"Gentlemen? The task at hand?"

"Oh yeah. This house is garbage. Next?"

The next house was yet another miss. "This dude really likes fountains, huh?" Corey asked as they entered the house from a small courtyard only to find another fountain inside. "I kinda like that courtyard idea though."

"Yeah, I like that people going by won't be able to see our actual front door," Kent agreed. The realtor smiled hopefully at him, but he unfortunately continued speaking. "But like, what's up with all the stone walls? And wooden pillars? It feels like I'm stuck in a castle or something."

"Need your Prince Charming to come rescue you?"

"You think you're that charming?"

"I must be -- I charm the pants off you every night." Corey winked.

"Aww, you've never heard of a pity-fuck? You poor thing. You're getting _so_ laid tonight."

Corey laughed. "Hey, whatever works."

"Oh god..." Kent groaned. " _Anyway,_  these stones are kinda jagged, don't you think? Isn't that dangerous?"

"How?"

"You have any idea the impossible amount of kids we're gonna end up having around here in a few years?"

"Um... What?"

"Brezzy and some of the old guys already have kids. Zimms and Bittle are definitely getting married and adopting as soon as they fucking can. It's just a matter of time before Lacey and Shanks have an 'oops' if we're being honest here. You want some kid wiping out in the hallway and slicing their head open on a fucking _wall?_ "

"Got it." The realtor tried to tune out most of their commentary and led the way to a lounge area with a private bar. The walls, floor, and ceiling were all wooden and it felt like they were stepping into a dark cabin. "Holy shit, I've seen this room before!" 

"Really?"

"Yeah!" Corey insisted. "It's where all the sexy teenagers run to before getting murdered in literally _every_  horror movie."

"Hah!" Kent cackled. 

The realtor sighed and brought them to the next house. "Okay, _**gentlemen**_ \--" She sounded a little more menacing than she used to. "Please. I beg you. Look past the decor for this one. Focus on the spacious rooms, not the patterns used to decorate them."

Kent and Corey shrugged at each other and followed her into the house. The kitchen was nice, had lots of room to move around, and luckily _not_  made of Corey's much-despised oak. The highlight of the property could be seen out the back windows -- a large pool that looked as though it were built into the rock around it. There was an adjoining hot tub with a slide only steps away for quick entry into the pool.

"Dude. This pool. _This pool!_ You can practically slide from the hot tub into the pool! Babe!"

"I told you not to call me babe, come on man."

"Fine. It's got a slide, snuggle bunny! A  _slide!"_

"So? Who cares about a slide? Are you 5?"

"Slides are fun for all ages."

 "Slides are for  _children._ Adults know _better_ ways to have fun."

"I bet we could find new ways to have fun on a slide..."

"Let's go back inside. Shall we?" The realtor gestured towards the door.

Kent looked around the main area of the first floor. "Why is everyone in this city so damn obsessed with zebra-print? A zebra-print sofa, really?"

"Remember, ignore the  _decor..._ " 

When they got upstairs, they understood why the realtor had been so insistent on that point. The master bedroom's purple carpet was the first sign that something was wrong.

"I didn't think it was possible to have  _every_ animal print in a room in a room without it looking horrible... And I was right," Corey added with a laugh at the multi-patterned room.

"Yeah. Plus, purple carpet."

The realtor let out a small sigh. "Now, this carpet can be  _easily_ changed--"

Kent was already walking into the bathroom. "Holy fuck, there is a dolphin mural above the tub."

"Where else would you put a giant dolphin painting? And zebra print rug? And feathery chair?" Corey joined him in the bathroom and immediately started laughing. " _Obviously_ you just don't have a designer's eye."

" _Obviously_."

"This room can always be repainted, and the furniture and rug would be removed."

"Yeah, but..." Kent started. "We'd have to repaint everything and I hated the floors downstairs... Like, this was _close_ \-- life-sized dolphin painting aside -- at least it looks like it was from this century?"

"Or millenium."

"Exactly," Kent said with a chuckle. "But I don't want to move and then have to deal with contractors and shit and a house full of strangers."

"Okay, _well_..." The realtor paused. "What I'm hearing is that you've narrowed your interests down to a more modern style. Am I correct?"

"Um..." Kent and Corey exchanged looks. "Yeah. Guess so."

"Yeah. I think so," Corey agreed. "I **_really_** like that pool, though..."

"Well, I have a property in mind that I think you will both love. It was built less than ten years ago, it has a pool -- not as elaborate as the rock feature one, mind you -- but it  _does_ have a pool. The kitchen cabinets are a dark cherrywood -- so no golden oak to worry about, Mr. Henderson. It--"

"Hah! She called you 'Mr. Henderson' like you're some real fucking grown-up." Kent snickered.

"Fuck off, Mr. Parson. Let the lady speak," Corey replied.

The realtor sighed. "How about I let the house speak for itself?" 

The final house they looked at was seemingly perfect. The open-concept kitchen, dining room, and living room blended seemlessly together with its dark wood and pale walls. They followed the realtor into the back yard.

"Ooh! A tennis court!" 

"When have you ever played tennis, Corey?"

"Well, in gym class in grade eight, we--"

"Nope! Doesn't count."

Corey looked around the rest of the back yard. "So, you said there was a pool?"

"Oh yes," she guided them over to it. "Here you go."

"Oh. It's tiny. I wouldn't even know where to put a slide..."

Kent groaned. "Will you cool it with the damn slide? You're 27."

"It is on the small side, I'll give you that," the realtor admitted, "but it's just as refreshing on a hot Nevada afternoon."

"True..."

"Any pool would be good to have after your surgery. Low-impact exercise for your ankle while you regain your strength..."

"That's over a month away, Ken. Stop focussing on it, okay?"

" _Fine_. Just saying..." Kent sighed.

"Well, if you will follow me up this exterior staircase, you'll see it actually leads up to the master bedroom. That's an interesting feature, isn't it?" 

"Yeah, pretty cool. It might be nice to go straight outside from the bed-- holy shit this bedroom is amazing."

"It has a TV over the bed. I never knew I needed that... But I need that."

Kent laughed at him and went to see the bathroom. "Oh? Uh..." He paused in the doorway. "Why is the bathtub in the middle of the room?"

"That's a very common design trend, nowadays. You don't like it?"

"It's okay, I guess? Just... A little weird. I would probably get used to it, it just takes up unnecessary room."

"I kinda like it," Corey said as he joined them. "I really like the big shower."

Kent leaned against the doorframe as his boyfriend squeezed past him. "Is the shower head tall enough?"

Corey stepped into the shower stall to check. "Barely, but I'm used to that. I'm too tall for the one in my apartment, too. I mean-- _our_  apartment."

"Whatever, loser. I haven't finished moving _yet,_ " Kent said and turned away to hide the pleased smile creeping up on his lips. "So what about the rest of this house?" He asked the realtor.

She smiled brightly at him. "Follow me! The master bedroom connects to the rest of the second floor via this catwalk, which is great for keeping an eye out for arriving guests if you happen to be upstairs when they arrive."

Kent abruptly stopped upon leaving the bedroom, causing Corey to bump into him from behind. "Kent?"

"Where are the walls?!" Kent asked as he stares at the strip ahead of them. 

"It has railings. You can see down to the main floor on either side this way."

"Nooope! I'm not crossing a fucking bridge to get to bed every night. Those railings aren't nearly tall enough."

Corey placed his hands on Kent's waist and gently nudged him forward across the walkway that connected them to the rest of the second floor. "They look about three feet high..."

"They should be at least five feet... And none of this glass panelling business."

"So... Walls?"

"At least on one side!" Kent insisted while closing his eyes to walk the rest of the way across. He let out a deep sigh of relief when they reached the other side. "Holy shit, I'm not doing that again."

Corey laughed until he reached for Kent's hand. "Oh my god, your hand's really sweaty -- you're seriously afraid of heights, aren't you?"

"Yeah." Kent nodded. "And what happens if one of us gets drunk and topples over that railing? It would take nothing."

"Okay, well, good to know." Corey gave him a reassuring hug. "So this house is an automatic no, no problem. I never realized it before, since you go out on balconies and things."

"Yeah, but I don't look _down_." Kent rested his head against Corey's shoulder for a moment to calm his nerves. "Please tell me this side has a stair--" His head suddenly snapped up and he looked around for the realtor, embarrassed about what she might have witnessed. "Where--"

"She went downstairs already to give us privacy when you closed your eyes a minute ago. Yes, there _are_  stairs on this side."

"Oh, thank god." Kent let out a burst of nervous laughter.

Corey gave him a quick kiss before they rejoined the realtor on the main floor. "So... This place is a no, too. We don't really have any use for a tennis court and that pool is way too small. If you can't fit more than ten people in it, then why even have one? Plus, like, what's wrong with putting the tub against the wall like a normal bathroom?"

Kent's cheeks flushed with embarrassment as soon as he saw her at the kitchen island. "Sorry..."

"It's fine, these things happen." She put her game face on and smiled. "So, we've reviewed a lot of properties today -- and I don't think you should buy a house."

"If this is because of all the times we told each other to fuck off -- those weren't fights. We actually get along really well."

"Disgustingly well," Kent added.

"We already spend practically every minute of our lives together. He's been moving stuff into my apartment for the past two weeks in between playoff games."

"Gentlemen, I admit that I find your relationship a little... _eccentric,_  but that's not what I meant at all. I'm suggesting that you build a custom home. That way it can have everything _you_ like."

"And someday when we sell it, some other assholes can pick apart all of _our_ decisions," Corey said with a laugh.

She smiled. "Exactly. I really don't think a house exists right now with everything you're looking for... _Anywhere._  I can suggest a few good builders to check out, if you'd like?"

"Yeah, that'd be great. Thanks," Kent said. 

They parted ways with the realtor and hopped back into Corey's Escalade. "I can't believe she called us 'eccentric'-- that's her polite code word for fucking crazy."

"I know, right? Like she has any clue-- you know what? Fuck that. We're amazing. Who cares if she can't see that."

"And hilarious," Corey added.

"Right? We had excellent observations today. Someone with a sense of humour would have been crying with laughter. Screw that. We should build our own house. Why deal with settling for other people's mediocre ideas."

"Can it have a pretty rock pool?"

"Of course."

"And a slide?"

Kent sighed, but a grin tugged at the corner of his mouth. "Yes, fine. You, a grown-ass man, can have a water slide for the pool."

Corey laughed triumphantly as he pulled out of the driveway. "How about a tennis court?"

"You can have a tennis court if I can make an entirely oak kitchen."

"Not worth it. Oh! _Basketball_ court? Like a small one?"

"Oh. I'd be into that."

"Even though you suck at basketball?" Corey grinned as he drove.

"Whatever, it's fun. You're not as good as you think you are. Shanks kicks your ass every time you play him." Kent laughed. "Oh, want to try for a Clippers game next week? Fly out for a couple hours and come back the same night so it doesn't mess with our own games?"

"Listen to you-- Clippers game, camping, vacationing with Zimmermann and Bittle..."

"So?"

"So nothing. I'm just excited for all these cute little dates you have planned for us."

"Ugh. Forget it. I take it all back." Kent groaned. "...But, um... Thanks back there. For telling her the reasons were about the useless tennis court and the weird bathtub and tiny pool and all that -- I'm sure she didn't believe a word of it, but thanks. That was... Ugh, _sweet_."

"I know, I'm adorable. But-- I'm not as sweet as you, sugar plum."

"Gross. You're not allowed to talk for the rest of the drive home."

Corey laughed. "Fine."

"What did I _just_  say?" Kent teased. Corey glanced over at him and did a zipping motion across his lips. "Atta boy."

**Author's Note:**

> Aaaand that's why they're building a house at the start of Ace of Diamonds lol
> 
> (All of the rooms described were taken from actual multi-million dollar Las Vegas homes I saw for sale online... scary haha)


End file.
